Resupplying the Avengers
by sequestration13
Summary: Napoleon once said that an army marches on its stomach. This also holds true for a six man army, who needs a lot more than just food to remain Earth's Mightiest Heroes. A series of one-shots with a bit of crack and fluff.
1. Two Blondes in a Sams Club

Two Blondes in a Sams Club

Word had gotten around New York City quite quickly that the superhero group known as the Avengers was hanging around town. What the public didn't know was where they were staying. Some said it was the Waldorf Astoria Hotel. No, that was crazy, others said. They would be at the Plaza. Still others were convinced that the once-named Freedom Tower would play host to the group. Stark had spent quite a while to keep the rumors circulating for a little while longer. Not that he wasn't drawing enough attention by himself with his own tower and constant flights in and out of it, of course. However, the rumors came quickly crashing down when two tall, blond, muscled men began walking into the Sams Club off of the New Jersey Turnpike. Both were wearing quite unusual clothes indeed.

"Um, do you have a membership card, Mister, ah," sputtered the young greeter as the Son of Odin barged past.

"Thor! This man is asking you a question!" came the exasperated voice of Captain America in a brown three piece suit with fedora.

"Uh, of course, kind sir. What is it that you require of us?" Thor quickly recovered.

"Sir," the greeter regained some of his composure, despite Thor being a good foot taller than him. "We will need to see your membership card."

"Why, of course!" Thor was quite excited to use the pieces of plastic entitled membership card and credit card soon enough. There was only one problem: they were in Thor's belt, behind Mjolnir. Thor proceeded to hand Mjolnir over to the greeter, who promptly took it and felt himself plummet groundward, finally landing in a heap with a sonorous _thunk_. After some more fiddling about, Thor finally produced a Business Membership card with the picture that Darcy had taken back in New Mexico that also featured a very nice Stark Industries logo across the top.

The greeter simply waved him through after Captain Rogers lent him a helping hand.

Once inside, Steve opened the briefcase he was carrying and took out the Apple iPad that Tony had so graciously upgraded, "making Cap and Thor proof" he had joked, and opened the document that was "Natasha Romanoff's Guide to Modern Shopping". On the first page was Tony's cell phone number should anything go wrong. Steve casually disregarded this, as the greeter was fine so far. Steve did remember that one should take a shopping cart with him inside, though. So he moved past the wincing greeter and grabbed a blue plastic shopping cart. He came back to a Thor transfixed by the shelf of high-definition televisions. Steve had to push him along to the food section, which was for some reason at the other end of the store.

Once there, Steve valiantly tried to ignore the price of milk, which was much more expensive than he remembered it. After placing three gallons into the cart, Steve was accosted by an old man. "Are you that Captain?"

Quite surprised, Steve asked "Excuse me, sir?" He then realized that he was quite out of place with his suit in the middle of a sea of blue jeans and T-shirts.

The old man seemed taken aback for a moment, then corrected himself. "No! Silly me. Were you that Lieutenant in France? What was his name?"

"I'm sorry sir," Steve began. "I'm afraid that I wouldn't have been alive during that time," the lie rolling quite smoothly off of his tongue.

"Oh, of course," stated the man, who was clearly disappointed. Thor came waltzing back to the cart, his arms full of boxes upon boxes of Pop-Tarts. He proceeded to dump the contents of his arms into the shopping cart, bending the metal frame of the cart and prompted Steve to roll his eyes and grab another one.

The tablet indicated that Steve still needed to get all of the stuff back home in the SHIELD supplied SUV. It was a bit of a problem when hundreds of dollars worth of groceries was too large to fit inside the car. Unfortunately, a pile of groceries including a beef tenderloin, six bags of Lays potato chips, four baguettes, ten boxes of Danishes, an ice cream cake, three gallons of milk, three gallons of ice cream, ten pounds of chicken breasts, twenty apples, three bags of onions, two gallons of orange juice, and Thor's monster haul of Pop-tarts, had resulted in a near epileptic fit for Steve at the cash register. Thor had sheepishly presented the black hunk of plastic called "credit card" and told the cashier to work her magic and result in a fair and equitable trade for all. This elicited much snickering from her, but eventually, the transaction was complete. Until Thor decided to take his Pop-Tarts to Stark Tower by holding on them as he flew with Mjolnir. Poor Steve was left to load the car himself.

* * *

_Author's Note: The original credit for the idea of Steve and Thor jointly experiencing the world is from Darth Tromeros' "Captain America and Thor Discover Stuff". The Marvel Cinematic Universe is owned in its entirety by Marvel Studios, a division of Marvel Entertainment whose parent company is in turn the Walt Disney Company. The author understands that all characters and trademarks are properties of their respective owners and are not being used for profit in any way, shape, or form._


	2. The Coffee Question

_Author's Note: Apologies for the absence and the rather short chapter._

The Coffee Question

There are a thousand different questions that both Tony Stark and Bruce Banner had disagreed upon. But there was one question that divided them more than any other, even politics.

As if Thor and Steve's adventure at the New Jersey Sams Club hadn't set off enough alarm bells in the New York press corps, several informants in the Federal Express, United Parcel Service, and United States Postal Service warehouses tipped off the reporters that Stark Tower was now taking large deliveries of green tea, in addition to the gigantic shipments of coffee Stark was known to consume.

At six thirty in the morning, Dr. Banner had made it a point to always have a pot of green tea brewing. Past experience had told the former coffee addict that espresso and the Other Guy had never mixed well. Hulk was hyper enough most of the time, and you didn't need to be a nuclear physicist in order to guess what would happen with the caffeine. On the other hand,

"BRUCE!" came the voice of Tony Stark. Banner turned around to see Tony holding his Iron Man mug and looking like he had a very long night, indeed.

"What is it Tony?" replied Bruce.

"It's the most amazing thing!" answered Stark with a goofy smile on his face. "I made our resident Norse god a vibranium tablet!"

"Uh-huh" was the nonchalant reply. Stark began pouring coffee from a huge carafe while Dr. Banner was busily boiling water in his own kettle. Neither of the two talked as their own precious elixirs were brewing. Once they were done, though, Stark reached for the sugar and instead took out a glass bottle. Without looking, he spun the cap off and dumped some of the contents into his coffee. Banner took a quick whiff and saw that what remained in the bottle was certainly not sugar.

"Is that embalming fluid, Stark?"

"Is it?" Tony casually asked as he smelled the flask. He then proceeded to down the entire cup of coffee, spiked with formaldehyde. "Most invigorating." Banner decided to have a second cup of tea before his day. Already his skin was tinged with a faint verdant hue.

The next day, Banner successfully pressured Thor into delivering forty pounds of sugar.


End file.
